Patty Golsteijn

Yesss, an interview with Patty Golsteijn, systemic constellation facilitator and coach. When I emailed her to ask if she’d be up for an interview, she replied, “Yes, sounds fun – not my first rodeo.” That laid-back attitude is exactly how I know Patty. She’s enthusiastic, quick-witted, full of joy, colourful, she does what makes her happy, speaks her truth, and, quite honestly, she’s pretty badass. I think Patty is simply, unapologetically herself. “Although, to be fair, it’s taken me a long journey to get here.”

Circumstances haven’t always been pretty – more often than not, they’ve been downright shitty. But those experiences sparked a profound journey of self-awareness and personal growth. Layer by layer, Patty let go of everything that no longer fitted who she was. Little by little, she created more space to trust her intuition, and ultimately, life itself.


Kickstart
The story begins in 2015 with a family constellation in New York. At that time, Patty hasn’t seen her father in eight years. Her grandfather is terminally ill; her aunt has just called to say he doesn’t have long. Patty has been living in New York for several years and, somehow, decides to take part in a family constellation there. Representatives were chosen for her parents, and the person representing her father, standing opposite her, spoke the words ‘I am your father.’ “Well, I just broke. That was the kickstart to do real inner work. And I decided to see my father again.”

Shortly afterwards, Patty realised her relationship at the time had run its course. She decided to get divorced and moved back to the Netherlands. “I had no money, no possessions. Just one and a half suitcases – that was it. And I felt so free; I was incredibly happy.” Patty spent some time living in Rotterdam, first with a friend and then in a small flat of her own. She danced, bought her first brand-new bike, rediscovered herself, devoted herself to a great deal of inner work, and simply enjoyed life. “Oh, what a time it was.” I can see her light up as she tells the story; it’s as though she’s reliving it. “It was as if my heart had only ever been slightly ajar. And then, suddenly – wham! – the door flew open. And an entire sea, an ocean of love, came rushing in.”


Life force
Love was a word Patty never used before that time. But from that moment on, she could actually feel all the love, and her life force began to flow again. That didn’t mean life suddenly became any easier. “A spiritual awakening is just fucking intense. Looking back, it was a massive ego death.” In 2023, she was taken even deeper when both of her parents died within a short period of time. It led to a burnout, but she noticed she was able to hold herself through it in a way she never could before.

She allowed herself to move through all the pain, grief, fear and anger – it was a true rollercoaster of emotions. “But I went through it much more consciously than before, which meant I didn’t drown in the grief or the intensity of it all. I could see what was happening, and I decided I wanted to do things differently from my parents. And the closer they came to death, the more alive I felt. I had a real lust for life.”


Putting life at the centre
Since then, life itself has become central to Patty’s worldview. It’s a recurring theme in her work, alongside death. Patty is a systemic constellation facilitator and coach, and she runs her own year-long training programme, Authentiek Opstellen (Authentic Constellations). One of the approaches she uses is the LIP constellation, with LIP standing for Life Integration Process. In a LIP constellation, the client is represented in seven different stages of life: the inner unborn child, the inner child, the inner teenager, the adult, the more mature adult, the older adult, and death.

“From the perspective of your inner teenager, you ask yourself what you want from life. From your adult self, the question becomes: ‘What does life want from me?’ For a long time, I made choices based on what I thought was important, what I wanted. But more and more, I’m putting life itself at the centre.” That’s why, during a LIP constellation, Patty now often places a large yellow mat in the middle, to represent life itself, like a sun that illuminates that question. When she puts life at the centre, she not only thinks about what’s good for herself, but also about what’s good for nature and for the people around her.


Letting things unfold
By allowing herself to be guided by life, Patty surrenders to something greater than herself. You can see that in the way she works. Constellations are rooted in a phenomenological approach: you relate to whatever presents itself in the moment. And Patty is exceptionally good at that. Whenever I take part in one of Patty’s constellations or mini festivals, what always strikes me is the relaxed atmosphere and her ability to simply let things unfold. “When I organise an event, I’m not thinking about how I can get people to connect or how to create a fun afternoon. Instead, I ask myself: what gives me energy? What would I enjoy? And then it just unfolds by itself.”

She doesn’t consciously develop her year-long training programme either; it evolves organically. It’s such a deeply personal process that it simply can’t be squeezed into a fixed format. “The moment I start thinking strategically, my whole body tenses up.” Even her newsletters emerge as a stream of consciousness. It’s her way of staying close to herself and to what energises her. Patty describes it as a force rising through her body: an urge, a flow, an intuition. “Something suddenly bubbles up inside me and I think, ‘Ooooh… this!’” It’s precisely from that place that the most beautiful moments, conversations and connections come into being.


Unlearning
The more Patty trusts life and allows it to unfold, the less she clings to ideas about how things should be. These days, she’s fully immersed in what she calls deprogramming: shedding and unravelling the beliefs, conditioning, thought patterns and systems that no longer serve her and, in her view, no longer make sense. “We’ve created so many constructs that end up trapping us. Think about time, rules, laws, work, money. It’s almost like a cage.”

According to Patty, you can see it everywhere. The way our world is organised no longer aligns with our nature. “I live in a block of flats with 146 apartments, yet hardly anyone knows each other. We bring internet and social media wherever we go and we’re constantly aware of everything happening across the world, but our nervous systems simply weren’t built for that. Humans are the only species that has to pay to live on Earth. Isn’t that completely bizarre? Once you start seeing it, space and freedom begin to emerge.”

Of course, we’re still living within these systems, and Patty has made peace with that. She navigates around them wherever she can, or chooses to engage with them on her own terms. Through her work, she also tries to help people realise that other choices are possible – when circumstances allow. In her current role as a reintegration coach, she meets many people for whom that isn’t a straightforward option. “But I do see people’s faith in the system gradually beginning to crumble.”


Back to basics
Patty believes the changes we’re living through also offer an opportunity to reconnect with our own nature. The rise of AI, for example, changes the meaning of work in the future and we may find ourselves with much more free time then. According to Patty, that could allow us to return to something more fundamental. Instead of filling every silence by scrolling on our phones, we might rediscover a sense of wonder in something as simple as watching a plant grow.

She’s already noticing that different things matter to her now. She wants to spend more time working with her hands and doing things that feel closer to our natural way of living. She’d like to take a massage course, learn pottery, sign up for sewing classes and have a house with a garden where she can grow her own plants. “Just me, with my hands in the Limburg soil. That’s what I want. Really back to basics – back to my roots, to the place where I come from.”


Coming together
For Patty, getting back to basics also means coming back together. She longs for a sense of community, and that’s increasingly reflected in her work. During her constellation afternoons, she often works with collective themes around women’s experiences in a patriarchal society. As a result, she currently attracts mainly women. These weren’t conscious decisions, but developments that unfolded naturally. It feels as though men are being called to spend more time with men, and women with women. “Once we understand each other a little better, those two worlds can come together again. That’s my hope.”

Patty notices how healing it is for women to share their experiences with other women in a safe environment. Recognising themselves in one another’s stories makes it easier to carry – and ultimately heal – pain and trauma. “We no longer have to believe we have to do it all on our own.”


Simply being together
That’s why she’s recently started organising women’s temples: gatherings where women come together simply to be, and to do whatever they feel like in the moment. “Just being together and enjoying ourselves. We don’t have to come together only to talk about deep, difficult trauma shit.” Co-regulation often happens precisely when you’re simply sharing the same space, without constantly interacting.

During these women’s temples, Patty also surrenders to whatever emerges. She only arranges the date, the time and the location. “Beyond that: no expectations. If we all end up lying in the grass, that’s absolutely fine too.” The women naturally find their own ways of being together. They dance, draw mandalas, lie quietly on their mats, light campfires and create rituals. Food is an important part of the gatherings too: everyone brings something delicious to share for a potluck. “It’s so simple, you know. You can do this yourself. You really don’t have to wait for me to organise something.”


Life itself
As much as Patty values her constellation work and her year-long training programme, there are times when she’s simply had enough of her own inner work. “Yes, because sometimes I just want to chill!” And, in truth, she doesn’t need much to do so. “Life is so fucking fascinating. We have no idea where it’s all going. Every single day, life can surprise us.”

A while ago, her young son asked her, ‘Mum, why do we actually live?’ “At first, I was stumped.” But the answer came to her naturally: “Why do we live? For life itself. What’s the meaning of life? Life itself.”


Author: Dionne Hendriks